I have rewritten this letter hundreds of times over the past few years, and even now I feel as though I just can't come up with the right words to say. I am giving it to you now because I feel like I am finally strong enough to share this with you. It is something that I have denied and hidden from myself for a very long time now, but now I realize that I can't hide it any longer. And just remember Mom, I will always love you.
This is, to be brutally honest, one of the most difficult things I have ever had to share with you. Writing was always so easy for me, most people would say that I have a gift for it. But in this case, it feels as though every single word I write chokes me, and I just can't think of the right words to say. I wanted to write you a letter, as opposed to speaking to you physically, because I feel it would be better for the both of us right now. You have always told me that I "should never be afraid to talk to you about anything", but that is just it. I am afraid. I am afraid of your reactions towards this. I love you, Mom.
All of my closest friends and coworkers keep reassuring me that you will always love me no matter what. And of course I know this is true, because I know I will always love you more than you can ever imagine. I have grown much closer to my friends and coworkers because of this, they never doubted me and accept me for who I am. And I know you will always love me, it just might take some time for the acceptance part. Either way, I will always love you.
The last thing in the world that I would want to do is disappoint you; especially all that we have been through in each other's lives. Mom, you have saved me more times than I can recall. And I can admit to that proudly. There were many days where just the thought of living put a weight on my chest, but I kept going the best I could, because I knew you would always be there for me. I know you are so proud of me, and I just can't help but smile at the fact that I have become exactly like you in every way possible. I just can't say I love you enough.
Unfortunately, I fear that what I am about to admit to you will change our relationship. I pray every single night that it will not, and that we will become closer than ever because of this. This is something that I have been wanting to tell you for many years, but have never had the courage to do so. Mom, I am transsexual.
I know you Mom, you are probably on the verge of tears right now. But this is just something I have always known my entire life. I recall you, and many others, always asking me to take off my jackets and hoodies because it was extremely humid outside. It was never because I was self-conscious about my weight, it was because I was uncomfortable with myself. I feel as though I am a stranger to myself, I always have. It saddens me deeply when I see you look so happy whenever you talk about me having kids and you becoming a grandmother. It hurts me actually, but I am tired of living a lie. The last thing I want to do is disappoint you, I love you so much Mom.
I have tried, and tried, and tried again to try and convince myself that this is just a phase, or that it would all just go away, or even that I am just confused. I am choosing now to finally come out to you because I just couldn't bare this weight on my shoulders anymore. I am tired of this lie, I am always having to watch what I say, being careful about what my friends say around you, and feeling completely embarrassed when I have to wear female clothing, especially dresses. I am tired of denying who I am, God made me this way for a reason. And after feeling this way for practically all of my life, I know that this is who I truly am, your eldest son. I will always love you.
I will always be myself, and that will never change. I will always have my smile, my goofy laugh, and my "cat eyes" as you call them. I will always still be me, and you will always be my Mom. I know you are probably feeling a hurricane of emotions; most likely a mixture of doubt, worry, disappointment, anger, and confusion. But it's okay, I know this isn't going to be a "snap of the fingers and everything is alright" kind if thing, it is going to take time. You can take all the time in the world if you have to; it is certainly the biggest relief that I now have this off my chest. The only thing that I ask is that we can remain as close, if not closer, than we are now. Mom, I will never stop loving you.
To bring this letter to an end, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for everything Mom. You have always been there by my side, no matter what. I know I don't say it enough, and I know I really should, but I just want you to know that I love you so much, and thank you for everything that you do for me. I would not be here if it weren't for you. I can not wish for a better Mother. I am so grateful for you.
I love you, Mom.
Love Your Son,